Funny Quotes

“To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.” – H.L. Mencken

“God was my copilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.” – Unknown

“I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.” – George Burns

“We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” – Unknown

“If you’re drinking to forget, PLEASE PAY IN ADVANCE!” – Unknown

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” – George Carlin

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

“Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.” – Unknown

“Dear Mr. Spider, unless you pay rent…you CANNOT live in my house!” – Unknown